Shoulds...

I have a bad case of the "shoulds."

I feel like I "should" always be the taking care of my son. Even though my husband is completely willing and perfectly capable.

I feel like I "should" always be doing something for my son, even when he's sound asleep and doesn't need anything.

I feel like I "should" be healthy and happy all of the time.

I feel like I "should" never get frustrated with my son or myself.

I don't want to feel like this. I would give anything to be "normal," and a perfect mom. I feel like there is something wrong with me when I want to put him down or when breast feeding feels like a chore. I have a very difficult time remembering that hormones are still coursing through me and being filled with anxiety and depression is causing many of the thoughts that cause me pain.

This is not the real me. The real me comes through when I can laugh and joke with my husband. The real me can eat without feeling nauseated. The real me looks at my son and just wants to kiss him forever. I'm working on feeling like the real me more often. It's not easy and some days, like today, I get caught in self-pity and I have a hard time shaking off the bad feelings.

My husband reminds me that this won't last forever and at some point, it will all be okay. I believe him most of the time, and desperately want to believe him the rest of the time. I'm trying to learn to listen to the positive things and believe in the support and love of my family and friends and to ignore the rest.